The Miracle Inside My Mind

At this point I’d like to say that…

…In the description of the hospital experience, I spoke about prayer and superstition and how these and similar ways of thinking are related to the thoughts of a two year old, specifically, my thoughts as a two year old. I said that I had begun several dangerous thought patterns in that I believed thoughts could come true. To think a thought, I concluded, was to want the thought. To think about victory, is to want victory. To think of death is to want it, and so on…
Everyday we hear about a coach who wears a shirt or piece of jewelry for good luck, or a ball player doing the same, attributing significance to objects otherwise of no significance. Creating a relationship and giving value to an object that has no relationship and no value to the goal at hand. This is a way of thinking that is common for people. A perfume present during a notable experience will be remembered and noticed when smelled again. A person from the past will create feelings that have no relationship to the person at hand.
How much more powerful will be a thought contemplated at an early, vulnerable age? A thought in the future that is comparable to this thought will stir great emotions, for it will be treated as similar or the same as the original. The coach who keeps the good luck charm is thinking similar to the traumatized, associating two unrelated things, one victory, and the other an inanimate object. So when I stated that “…My love for her seems to have become inflamed,” I was associating two unrelated things, the trauma from the hospital and the interest in a girlfriend. I was thinking like an athlete associating victory with a sock, ring, and any number of mostly unrelated things.

This thought process acted in me reflexively, not consciously. So as I thought like a coach or athlete, I sunk deeper and deeper into trouble as more and more powerful thoughts and feelings were related to those of the present moment. I sunk deeper and deeper into the quicksand of the past.

The traumatic thoughts from the past acted like a prayer because they were dwelled upon, meditated upon, over and over, like the throbbing of an aching wound. Consequently, this begs the question, “What kind of person would think such a thought? And repeatedly, for that matter!” Well, it’s logical to conclude that a person of less virtue would, since of course, the thoughts are undesirable, if not immoral, socially unacceptable. So here I am again, and here are the traumatized, thinking like a child and believing some thoughts are good and some are bad, which causes gilt by association.

And so I hope you can see the difficult hurdles before me as I launched my attack against the torment. It was these things and much more that I had to visualize, conceptualize, and conquer! Clinging to an object or a thought is habitual. I had to understand the process that got me to the habitual thinking and lash out at the powerful emotional trauma, changing the dangerous thought patterns infesting me.