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You are about to enter...The Miracle Inside My Mind!
Attack problems with the intensity of the Sun, and understand The Miracle Inside My Mind!

Sunday, March 22, 2009

As I walked upon the shores of my life, I understood that every disappointment was for a Divine purpose, and therefore an advantage, and my error in thought was not an error, but a blessing, for it fulfilled God’s purpose for me. To live is to feel; to live is to experience sights, sounds, taste, and smells. To become traumatized is to experience these things over and over in the mind; but it is our life on this earth. It is our reality. We must love the senses as we love life. When one sense takes over the mind, we must experience it until we can experience it no more. Only then will it calm down and the other senses take their rightful place.

And so it is with thoughts. Experience a thought until it can be experienced no more; and then get up and experience it again. Carry it with you until its weight dissipates, and share the thought with a friend. Thoughts are the beginning of civilization. They must be cherished and valued as our most valuable asset and possession, the most valuable thing on earth, the beginning of so many wonderful things; nothing is more powerful than a thought and each must be scrutinized and respected and none overlooked—especially those that have been previously examined and set aside; like plowing a field, the least thought must be revisited to turn the soil for a larger harvest.

Behold, I proclaim! Behold, the power of thoughts! You never thought I could overcome mental illness with my thoughts. You never did, yet I did. Your previous thoughts were incorrect, so I say take them, turn them over and plow the field. Don’t discard your erroneous assumption. Don’t discard the untrue supposition. These incorrect ideas are testimonies of the frail condition that plagues humanity; hardly do you know what will happen today let alone tomorrow; and you don’t even know all the facts of this moment. To be human is to be vulnerable, the unknown a constant reality; but behold, you must see that the road to a higher power is through thought, the weak and the strong, the ignorant and the wise, the knowing and the absence of information. This is where one world protrudes into the other, where humanity must grow to create a higher order of things. So, behold I say, behold, think again about how to constructively create change, and build the foundation from within, each person a valuable building block to the future; study the message that the higher powers of the universe have sent to you.

Sunday, March 08, 2009

Below I want to share something I rewrote for my website:

“It’s 1977 and THIS IS BORING!”

Perhaps the words of this journal now seem heavy. Maybe you question whether you should continue reading. You’ve gone through 1975, 1976, and now it’s 1977. It’s probably beginning to seem like you’re reading much of the same thing over and over and over—boring! Second grade, third grade, eight grade, back and forth, back and forth. This is tedious work! Nothing is happening. It’s time to stop reading and bail out! It’s painful to continue. Now, maybe, you can understand the way I felt. Maybe you can understand why I yearned for a place where I could avoid the pain. But no, there was no place for me. I couldn’t put the book down. I had to push forward because I couldn’t say goodbye to myself.

But perhaps at this time I was handling it differently. I wasn’t experiencing such wide swings of emotion. I nonchalantly stated, “I’m still screwed up.” The whole thing was “matter of fact.” I wasn’t depressed. I solemnly accepted the pain. Maybe I kept myself thinking so much that I didn’t have time to be depressed. I was too busy fighting, and as long as I did, I knew there was hope. The most important thing isn’t always where you are, but where you’re going. I was focused on where I was going; therefore, my situation seemed improved. I knew that in the end, I’d leave the room!

The lizard would cause pain until I solved its puzzle but success demanded monotonous hard work. This wasn’t about having fun. “Feel the boredom,” I’d tell myself. It was like being stuck in a small room for years, and you can’t get out! You look at the same walls over and over and over and over and over again. When I began the fight, I thought I would have beaten the feelings a long, long time before. It was a good thing I didn’t know the truth! Maybe I never would have tried.

You the reader can go home. You can leave, put down the book, and never read it again. But for those caught in this malaise, they must first remove the garbage to go home. They must first see their walls to leave their room. You the reader become the enemy. You don’t understand. You don’t see it. You think we’re weird. “Oh, he isn’t that bad!” you’ll say. I can hear it. I can hear you. That’s what you’re thinking. I know that’s what you’re thinking. You don’t understand. You question why someone should feel bad. You question why someone should have feelings. You’ll say it happened a long time ago, it shouldn’t matter now. You’ll say that we should grow-up! You can breath so you think we can, but you left the room and we’re left behind.

To win the “Battle of the Minds,” we must not only overcome the inner world, but the outer: people. We must overcome people and their opinions and thoughts. It becomes difficult to relate to people. It’s as if there’s a glass wall. They swim in their world, and we can’t enter. What they care about seems foreign. What they think about seems foreign. We can pretend to understand, but don’t. We can pretend to belong, but don’t. There is so much inside us that they don’t see. We can’t share ourselves with people who don’t understand. There are two worlds, theirs and ours; theirs seems so perfect, and ours so awful.

This journal is a part of the world people want to deny. Yes, I say deny—but one other thing: A part of everyone, at one point or the other, one variation or the next—a part of everyone is in us and in this journal. They smugly say its not, but it is, and as they deny us, they deny themselves. They’ll say they know nothing of this sort, all the while holding in their own pain. They become our biggest enemy, not even willing to stand beside us or acknowledge us—its because they deny the pain they feel inside. So I push forward alone… The tedium of time is very heavy; but I see the vision, I see where I’m going, and will never let go…

About Me

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I believe that I can speak about emotional trauma, especially PTSD, in a unique way and give voice to those who may find it difficult to articulate what it's like to be emotionally traumatized. I had the experience of being put in the hospital at the age of two due to being ill with encephalitis. Ironically, encephalitis is an inflammation of the brain, and it was my brain that I needed to use to escape the horrible things that would subsequently happen to me. I was severely emotionally damaged at the age of two by what I believe to be the EEG that the doctors gave me. They put wires on my head and weren't nice about it. The trauma from the hospital experience incubated in my mind until I was seventeen years old. It was at that time that things got ugly. Images and feelings from the hospital popped in and out of my mind. I developed techniques to stabilize my mental state and then to ultimately overcome the emotional trauma. I did this without going for help or talking to anyone. I only kept a journal, "My only friend." If you'd like to learn more, you can go to my website, THE MIRACLE INSIDE MY MIND.